Alignment

I was about to reach my goal; become a GM by 30. Then I quit my job. 

The bravest thing I have ever done is quit my career. I thought the next promotion – the next raise – the next title would magically make me feel like I was worthy, that I was successful. It would fill the gaping holes of shame I carried within my body about my not-so-great choices. 

Instead, I found myself in the deepest and darkest depression I had ever experienced. I felt like a shell of myself, living in fear of surrendering my identity aka my job title. 

Who would want to be friends with me if I didn’t have some fancy job title and connections with incredible people? What value would I bring to the world if I didn’t have this incredible career and success?

I had so much fear around scarcity - starting over - figuring out what my “purpose” in life was. Being in a leadership position felt like a fucking obligation since birth. The eldest daughter, always watching and tending to everyone’s needs. The story was created from such a young age, “ you have to bring value, you have to help, in order to receive love.” Love was not free, because no one rides for free. 

This is a journey of self-love, because for as long as I can remember I never loved myself, not even from a very young age. If I didn’t love myself, why would anyone love me without something to offer? 

Walking away from my career, and my things, selling everything including my car was terrifying. I found myself questioning my sanity every night, pouring my spiraling thoughts into my journal.

Then we left, we went to El Salvador and my God I slept so much. I slept every time we were in the car, every time I laid down. I slept and slept and slept. It was like my body said thank fucking God you walked away from it all. Now we can rest. 

Then I played, I swam in the snow-melt rivers of Washington every day I could. I sunbathed and slept on the river bed. I made peace with cold water, I drank coffee with the sunrise immersed in the beauty of the cascades and orchards. I wrote about my hopes, dreams, and fears. I started to let my intuition lead the way. 

We visited everywhere - from San Diego to British Columbia. We saw relatives we hadn’t seen since we were kids, we met friends' babies, and spent hours on rural roads talking and crying about everything that happened throughout the last three years. 

The in-between moments of life are certainly the scariest in my experience. When we can’t tell up from down, left from right. It’s also a moment of time to lean into being fully present. What is it that you truly desire? What time do you want to wake up in the morning? What does the life of your dreams really look like? We can’t get there if we don’t know where we are going. 

Who were you before the world told you who you should be? And why is it hard to believe in yourself? If you don’t believe in yourself, it won’t matter who does believe in you. If we constantly seek external validation as our only source of validation, we will find ourselves trying to fill a bottomless pit. 

I know this because even though my photos have been published in Goop, The LA Times, Carmel Magazine, and multiple websites I find myself still shocked when my photos are selected…why is that? 

It’s because I’ve really struggled to believe in myself, that I have talents and unique gifts to contribute to this world. Every time I’d work up the courage to believe in myself, my sneaky little inner critic would pop up and plant those seeds of doubt. I also clung to every single piece of negative feedback that I’ve received in my life. 

What I’ve come to learn is that believing in yourself might just be the greatest gift you can give to yourself. Also, stop telling people who doubt your dreams about your dreams! When people are stuck in a cycle of fear and doubt, they will definitely doubt your lofty dreams. Most of the time it’s not even with ill intent, it’s because breaking out of the status quo still seems impossible to them and they love you– they don’t want to see you fail.

We hear time and time again that folks regret what they didn’t do,  not what they did do at the end of their life. I want to also be a realist, is chasing your dreams sometimes challenging? Is it scary? OF COURSE IT IS! Big changes and transitions are fucking terrifying and every time I put myself out there I’m pushing beyond my fear. 

Piece by piece things are falling into place, work is picking up. I’m no longer in the battle of choosing my values or a job that directly contradicts them. I say yes to what lights me the fuck up, and I say no thank you to anything that doesn’t feel right. Because at the end of the day, I finally love myself enough to create the life I’ve been dreaming of. 

So are you ready to move beyond fear and claim the life you desire?