Personal Accountability
Why Personal Accountability Leads to Freedom.
I once got married and divorced in six weeks. When I tell people that I often receive a look of disbelief, and if I’m honest…a little judgment from myself. I’ve wanted to share this story because I believe when we are honest and I mean FULLY honest, we can support others in similar situations.
When I was 24 I met a man much older than me, a man that I was introduced to through a mutual friend. At the time, I was partying often, my self-worth was in the gutter, and to be honest I was lonely. I had been single for nearly three years, with some casual relationships in between but nothing serious. At this time all of my close girlfriends were in longterm serious relationships.
So here I was, being introduced to someone and giving them a chance even though everything in my body was saying no. He was kind though, he texted me everyday/all day, he planned extravagant dates, left me hand written love notes with flowers. He was doing all the things I had wanted someone to do for me. All while my body was under some serious stress, and I knew why but wouldn’t admit it.
When we started seeing each other I got an insane stomach bacteria and lost 20 lbs in a month, I went to the hospital and had no answers. In retrospect, I realize it was the stress I was putting myself under. I was going along with this person’s agenda, in the first month of dating insisting he loved me, pressuring me to meet his children, and his ex wife. I completely surrendered my power and just went along with it, trying to convince myself I was in love.
The surrendering of my power continued, six months into the relationship he tells me his roommate is kicking him out of his place, and he wants us to find a place and move in together. I was riddled with guilt, I didn’t want to move in together, but if we didn’t he would have to move in with his parents. So, I went along with it, I borrowed money from my family to make the move happen, cried in my car daily, completely boundary-less.
Fast forward to my first ever work trip to New York City, this is when shit really hit the fan. While I was away, he completely spiraled. He cancelled my debit card, claimed he was having a heart attack, would call my hotel room repeatedly, have me stay on FaceTime in every waking moment of my free time. When I told him that I was going to be going on another work trip after this one, he lost it. What did I do, I convinced my job to keep me in the town I lived in, instead of pursuing what I wanted.
When I returned things only got worse, he threw keys at me bruising my arm, broke my phone, threw a mattress at me when we were arguing. Then he would buy gifts, flowers, write me love notes apologizing. He would tell me it was just his anxiety and it was because he loved me so much and worried he would lose me. I was so embarrassed about the situation I was in that I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. Although, my friends that had been cut off, definitely knew something was up.
He proposed to me in a public setting, and it was extravagant. Beautiful location, photographer, stunning hotel, fancy dinner, spending money that we didn’t have. I said yes, when I should have said no. I was scared though, we had just moved into a house, our rent was expensive, and he kept promising he would make more money so we would actually split the bills evenly…that never happened.
Things settled down after I took a job 5 minutes from our house vs the hour commute I had previously had. At this time my life was work, home, work. I didn’t spend anytime with my friends, he had a reason for not liking each one, and let me know if I maintained these friendships I would be disrespecting him.
Two weeks before we are supposed to be married an ex of mine reached out to my sister. He asked her if I was happy, and told her that I am the one that got away. He really just wanted to know if I was happy. My sister called me on my way to work and told me, while I did not want to be with this ex, it did make me stop in my tracks. It really did make me stop to think, “am I really happy?” I did what any girl would do, I called my mom. I’ll never forget, she told me if I didn’t want to get married I didn’t have to. I remember crying telling her, I had to get married, everything was paid for, all my family had already bought plane tickets, I can’t cancel now. I also thought to myself, “what would everyone think of me, calling off a wedding two weeks prior to it happening.”
Six weeks after we were married, I was attending a bachelorette party in San Jose with two of my girlfriends. I had been dreading attending the bachelorette party, I kept telling myself it was because I didn’t really party anymore so I wasn’t looking forward to it. In reality, I was dreading it because I knew going out of town would lead to a fight for some reason or another. This happened any time I tried to do something on my own.
That night we went out, I was sure to text him often to not cause worry. The night went on, and this is probably the only time in my life I was grateful for getting pretty drunk. On the walk back to the hotel, I remember saying, “Shit I have to call him.” So I called, and I was immediately met with accusations of being incredibly drunk, that I was lying about who I was with, where I was staying, and that I was cheating. At that moment I completely snapped, and I ignored his calls and texted him that I wanted a divorce, that I couldn’t stand him, and this is not the life I want to live.
Here’s the thing, I realized in that moment things were never going to get better. His promises were empty, he was never going to change. If I stayed in that marriage I would be like a bird held captive in a cage. To say I was embarrassed would be an understatement, but I knew I couldn’t stay. I finally got to the point where I didn’t care what people thought of me. I knew I had to get the fuck out of there. While doing so, I definitely lost some friends but as the story goes I found out who my true friends were. The ones I had cut off who welcomed me back with open arms and understanding. I’m crying writing this because I feel so blessed to have friends and family who were able to fully see me.
Throughout the process of leaving, moving out, telling my friends and family the truth, I really clung to being a victim of domestic violence, and then a survivor. The thing is, I am neither of those. While I did experience domestic violence, I am no longer assuming either victim or survivor to my identity as a person.
As I recovered from this and spent a year and half in therapy, I had to own my part in this. I allowed myself to get into a relationship when I had no self esteem. I didn’t leave when I wasn’t attracted to him or when he showed me his true colors, I didn’t say no and break things off when I should have. I know it isn’t as easy for everyone to leave, especially once children are involved and when people don’t have the financial means to support themselves individually.
What I have learned throughout this journey, is that it’s ok to cancel a wedding two weeks prior, or hell even the day of, it’s also ok to get get divorced six weeks after. If your gut is telling you not to get married, LISTEN. Take responsibility and accountability for your life, if someone doesn’t treat you well…LEAVE! You have to take care of yourself, you have to choose yourself. I promise it will be ok. Don’t settle for someone because your self-worth is the gutter, care for yourself and know that a relationship will not make you happy if you don’t love yourself. You’re worthy of a partner that treats you well, who uplifts you and inspires you.
I know it will be ok, because today I am engaged to my best friend and I know it’s possible for everyone. If you’re struggling know you aren’t alone, and that you’re worthy of living the life of your dreams.
