My Relationship with Grief.
Happy 12th Birthday, Sofia & Maela.
I often feel a knot in my stomach when I decide to write and share about my twin daughters, Sofia and Maela. I have a mix of emotions; shame for getting pregnant at 19 years old, grief for the loss of my daughters, relief that I didn’t become a mom at 20 years old and have to parent with my ex, grateful that I got to meet my true love, Gardo.
On March 14, 2011 I went into labor at 22 weeks, almost 23 weeks pregnant. Delivering at 11am on March 15, 2011 with my mom by my side knowing that my daughters weren’t going to live. I had never lost anyone in my life, matter of fact all of my grandparents are all alive today. I had never experienced death in a significant way, and my first experience was my own children.
That day feels like a line in the sand in my life, I have never been the same since. I, like most people, had no idea how to grieve. I didn’t take pictures of them, I actually didn’t even want to hold them because I was so consumed by grief. The doctor recommended that I hold them for closure so I did once, and if I’m honest I wish I had held them longer.
At the time, I had never met anyone who had gone through what I was going through. Today, I see more and more women being open about experiencing stillbirth or second trimester miscarriages. I cry every time I read a story, I cry for those mama’s because as one said you never imagine leaving the hospital to go to the morgue instead of taking your baby home. It’s pain that I would never wish on anyone.
I do feel like I received a second chance, becoming a mom at 20 to twins was going to be a very difficult journey. I used to feel guilty for feeling grateful that I received a second chance, now I just feel grateful because I don’t think that life would have been fair to them.
Because of that experience, I know to be kind to people, even the one’s who are difficult. We truly don’t know what someone is going through, even if they are being a total asshole, lol. Lately when someone rubs me the wrong way I stop to ask myself, “what is this person mirroring back to me? What parts of them can I see in myself or maybe what characteristics do they have that I wish I had?'“ I find this exercise allows me to ground myself. And if I’m honest, it really just reminds me that we are all human, having a human experience, no one is perfect.
Today, I’ll cry about the loss if I need too and I’ll also celebrate that I had the opportunity to feel unconditional love, even if it was for a short 22 weeks.
