Saturn Return
What the hell happened.
My Saturn return started March 20, 2020. That almost felt like a cruel joke from the universe but if I know one thing it’s that for some reason my soul didn’t agree to doing things the easy way in this lifetime.
The photo of above is what it felt like during my Saturn return, crying in a beautiful place. Feeling so much grief and anger all at once, and feeling fucking stuck. There were many times I didn’t think I was going to live. I know it sounds dramatic, but I knew if my life carried on the way it was I was not going to live.
During this three year period I attended my first Cacao Ceremony at Esalen during Entheowheel’s conference The Ceremony and Science of Psilocybin. Obviously Psilocybin isn’t legal in California so it was a Cacao ceremony instead.
I gathered the courage to be the last one to go up to the front, and ask a question to three medicine women, Erika Gagnon, Jyoti Ma, and Xochitl Ashe. I asked about my path, my purpose, I remember my entire face trembling as I tried my best to choke back my tears and emotions. I was asked by Xochitl what do I love and why was I not doing why I loved. The truth was I didn’t know what I loved. I said flowers and photography, LOL. The truth was, I really didn’t know who I was because my entire identity was my career. My career was making sick, and miserable. How could this be who I am?
I was about to walk away when Jyoti Ma told me to wait, that she wanted to share a story with me. She shared her story of allowing the Divine Mother to support her. She gave me and the other 70ish people there a mantra. That moment is a core memory, 70 people chanting with me as I cried, as I cried for the version of me that I knew was no longer serving me, the version of me that had to be let go of, so that I could fulfill my purpose, my destiny.
For the next year I would find myself in ceremony more than I could have ever dreamt of. I felt the calling in my soul, that I am here to lead and guide women. While I was assisting with the set up and break down of ceremony I couldn’t help but feel that I am also a guide. I continued to work with Shamans, psychics, mediums, healers. I started to put together the pieces of my puzzle, I started to love myself and take care of myself.
March 7, 2023 my Saturn return completed as Saturn moved into Pisces and out of Aquarius. I found myself hosting my second women’s circle in Antigua, Guatemala. With 11 women in total, 11…my soul’s number in numerology. The invitation was sent and 10 women said yes, 10 in numerology breaks down to 1 (1+0=1). This is my life path number in numerology. I had no idea how many women were actually going to come but I bought 10 white candles, and had 1 large white candle, in total 11. It could be considered coincidence but numbers to me are signs. I felt my Spirit Guides with me, letting me know I am on the path.
Eleven women came together, from six different countries in total. Some knowing each other, other’s not. We created a circle and shared some of our deepest parts, we cried, comforted each other, laughed, and celebrated. We all released self doubt.
My friend shared with me she noticed that there are “Women Empowerment Brunches” but she felt like they were bypassing, I believe they are bypassing the feminine energy. The Girl Boss movement is rooted in masculine energy. We are being called in to balance the feminine energy, to harness it, it is truly our greatest gift.
As we move into a new paradigm, we are being called forward to lead courageously with vulnerability. True strength is being authentically YOU. I want to be clear, I am not shaming girl bosses I was once one, I used to hashtag #bossbitch on my instagram, lol.
I am calling the girl boss, forward, to meet her true self, to surrender her sword and shield. To remember what softness felt like, to remember what it feels like to be supported, and to receive the care and rest she deserves, that we all deserve.
